Monday, 29 March 2010

The George and the Dragon

An elf, exhausted and famished, and down on his luck came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" The elf asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?""No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The elf said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"


Saturday, 27 March 2010

Slightly raunchy spaceman joke

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys an asteroid, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from the next asteroid. Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

C Sachs

Dickens of a Dragon

It isn't widely known, but before he was a best-selling novelist, Charles Dickens worked as a writer for the London Times.

Back then, there was a huge dragon that was living in the Thames river, chewing up little boys who didn't obey their mothers' orders to stay away from the river. Finally they convinced a brave knight to slay the dragon, but then they had the huge carcass to deal with. So they decided to chop it up and convert it into spicy German sausages.

So Charles Dickens dutifully penned the headline: "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames".

C Sachs

Jokes from the Hobbit

What's the most popular band amongst dwarves?
Durin Durin

Why did the Dwarves in The Hobbit all get asthma?
Too much Smaug


Dragon Jokes (well sort of)

Why are dragons huge, green, and scaly?
Because if they were little, white, and smooth, they'd be Tic-tacs.
C S Archer Mark

What's big, red, breaths fire and has cement in it?
A dragon.
I just put the cement in to make it harder.
C Sachs

Saturday, 20 March 2010

A gnome, an elf and a dwarf

A gnome, an elf and a dwarf were out fishing in a boat on a lake together and doing very well.

'This is a terrific spot for fishing,' said the elf. 'How will we know where this spot is next time?

''I've thought of that,' said the dwarf, 'I've just put a mark on the side of the boat.'

'You idiot,' said the gnome, 'how do you know we will get this boat the next time?'

Orc and a troll

A giant Orc was walking through the forest when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The Orc roared, 'Who is the king of the forest?', and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Great One.'

The troll walked off pleased. Soon he came across a mule drinking at a pond. The Orc roared, 'Who is the king of the forest?' and the mule replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'

The Orc walked off pleased. Then he came across a Troll. 'Who is the king of the forest?' he roared. With that, the Troll threw the Orc across a tree and jumped on him.

The Orc scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

Fairy Joke

A married couple both 62 were out celebrating their 35th weddinganniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly alittle fairy appeared at their table."For being an exemplarymarried couple and for being faithful to each other for all thistime, I will grant you each a wish".

"Oh I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" saidthe wife. The fairy waved her wand and two tickets for a cruise onthe QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:"This is all very romantic but an opportunity like this may neverappear again. I'm sorry my love but my wish is for a wife 30 yearsyounger".

The wife and fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is awish....... The fairy waved her wand and "poof!" - the husbandbecame 92 years old. Morale of the story: Men who are ungratefulbastards should remember that fairies are female.


Warrior joke

A barbarian warrior appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. `Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the warrior offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out near the Desolation, I came upon a band of orcs who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed orc and smacked him in his face, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the snot out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?''

Just a couple of minutes ago,' replied the warrior


Orc joke

A gay orc goes into a bar and in an high pitched voice says, "Ok who painted my horse pink?"

A burly troll stands up, flexes his triceps and grunts, "That would be me!"

The orc swallows and says, "Just wanted to say, the first coat is dry."

Dragon joke

There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you.

The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal."
The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?"
The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us."
The dragon agreed to the deal. So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it.
The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also.
The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green."
The three guys lived happily ever after!


Tax collector

The Royal Tax Collector decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the castle.Grandpa is well connected, so the Royal Tax Collector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up along with his Baron.

The Tax Collector look down his nose at Grandpa and said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the Tax Collector finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The Tax Collector thinks for a moment. "Okay. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand golds that I can bite my own eye."

The Tax Collector thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.The Tax Collector's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand golds that I can bite my other eye." Now the Tax Collector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned Tax Collector now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand golds, with Grandpa's Baron as a witness.

He starts to get nervous."Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that chamber pot on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The Tax Collector, twice burned, is cautious now. "Without moving the pot or the desk?" When Grandpa nods, the Tax Collectordecides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the chamberpot on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Collector's desk.The Tax Collector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's Baron moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you okay?" the Tax Collector asks."Not really," says the Baron. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand golds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." Lee,

A few puns (fantasy link is tenuous)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.1
0. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Gnome Joke

J1. What do you call a field full of gnomes ..... a thicket!

J2. What has an IQ of 14 ..... 13 gnomes. Why 13 I hear you ask ... there is bound to be one thick one! :)

Genie joke

A fellow walks into his favorite local bar and finds one of the most interesting things he's ever seen. There's a stranger sitting at the bar, which is not in itself unusual, but beside his mug of beer there's a very small piano, a bench, and a very small man (about a foot high) seated at the piano playing beautiful classical music.

'That's amazing!' says the fellow to the stranger.'Isn't it?' the stranger replies with a slightly jaundiced eye.'Yeah...I mean, that's really the most amazing thing ever! Where'dja get it?'The stranger heaves a weary sigh. Obviously he has explained this before.

'I was out back in the alley behind the bar, and I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie granted me one wish. Well...this is what I got!''Really?' says the fellow. 'That's real interesting. Ummm...what did you do with the lamp?''Threw it back down in the alley. I was only allowed this one wish.

''That's fascinating. Errrr...well, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll see if I can find it!''Figured you would.' So the fellow goes into the alley behind the bar. He looks around for the lamp amid the trash and refuse, and eventually finds it. He rubs it and, sure enough, a genie comes out.'You may have one wish, and one wish only,' intones the genie.Well, the fellow has always wanted to be rich. After all, if he had enough money he could make a LOT of wishes come true.

'Okay,' he says. 'I want a million bucks!''Your wish is granted,' says the genie, and then disappears.Suddenly, the sky is darkened by a million quacking waterfowl. Shaking his head ruefully, the fellow realizes that the genie has misheard him, but there's nothing to do about it now. He goes back into the bar--the stranger with the amazing foot-high musician is still there. 'Well...did you find the lamp?''Uh huh.''Did you meet the genie?''Yep.''Did he grant you a wish?''He did...but I think I should tell you, your darn genie's a little hard of hearing!'The stranger shakes his head again. 'You think I don't KNOW that? You think I actually requested a twelve-inch pianist?'