tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30779760206390028262024-02-19T23:37:00.232-08:00David's Fantasy JokesHere you will find fantasy jokes featuring dragons, orcs, trolls, fairies, genies and all sort of fantasy creatures. Try it yourself and post a joke to me at prophecyofthekings@blueyonder.co.uk -- turn elephant jokes into orc jokes, for example.DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-39648336153524907962022-10-16T04:47:00.000-07:002022-10-16T04:47:15.467-07:00<p> Two Orcs stagger to a bar and sit on adjacent chairs. The barman is busy polishing glasses and overhears their conversation.</p><p>One Orc turns to the other and says, "Hi fellow Orc, where are you from?"</p><p>The other Orc turns glassy eyes to his fellow and says "Mordor."</p><p>"Wow," replies the first Orc. "That's a coincidence. I'm from Mordor too." He looks perplexed and asks, "What year were you born?" His words slurred from drink.</p><p>"1970," replied the other Orc.</p><p>"Wow, me too. My mother's name was Marga."</p><p>"Mine too," the other Orc replied in astonishment.</p><p>The barman shook his head and sighs. A waitress asks him what is wrong.</p><p>"It's going to be a long night," he replies, "The Marga twins are back and drunk again."</p><p><br /></p>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-19671359403367090252022-09-13T00:28:00.002-07:002022-09-13T00:28:23.959-07:00Stupid Trolls!<p> Two trolls are laying a new floor, hammering nails into wooden planks.</p><p>One troll keeps looking at nails and throwing them away, muttering "another one, upside down", each time.</p><p>The other troll stops what he is doing and asks, "Why are you throwing nails away?"</p><p>"There are a lot that are upside down!" His friend declared.</p><p>"You daft twit. Don't throw them away. Save them for the ceiling." </p><p><br /></p>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-63032241952120575292022-09-08T06:47:00.001-07:002022-09-08T06:47:12.139-07:00I Am Not Happy<p> I found a bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. </p><p>"Thank you for freeing me," he said. "I grant you one wish"</p><p>"Make me happy", I said.</p><p>I now work with six dwarves down a mine! Not exactly what I had in mind.</p>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-54057459407144513092022-02-12T02:19:00.000-08:002022-02-12T02:19:06.789-08:00<p> A troll stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."</p><p>The troll washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the troll tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.</p><p>Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. The troll asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"</p><p>The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."</p><p>The troll is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"</p><p>The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."</p><p>The troll says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."</p><p>The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"</p><p>The troll sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"</p><p>The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"</p>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-74814985803916722442020-10-04T07:04:00.000-07:002020-10-04T07:04:03.779-07:00Dumb Orc Joke. <p> An Orc, a Troll, and a Dwarf all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.</p><p>The Troll goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The Dwarf goes next and makes it to the seventh step before he laughs.</p><p>Finally, it’s the Orc's turn. He gets all the way to the 99th step before he laughs. </p><p>God asks, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and he responds, “I just got the first joke!”</p>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-80742323449493643412018-10-29T09:41:00.000-07:002018-10-29T09:41:10.638-07:00Three Orc Soldiers in HospitalThree orcs soldiers are standing by their hospital beds as the general orc inspects them.<br />
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"What's your problem?" asks the orc general of the first orc.<br />
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"Gonorrhea," says the orc.<br />
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"And what is the treatment?"<br />
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"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.<br />
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"And what is your ambition?" asked the general.<br /><br />"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."<br />
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The general moves to the next soldier. "What's your problem?" he asks.<br />
<br />
"Syphilis," says the orc.<br />
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"And what is the treatment?" asks the general.<br />
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"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.<br />
<br />
"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.<br />
<br />
"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."<br />
<br />
"Well done. Proud of you," says the general and he moves to the last soldier.<br />
<br />
"What's your problem?" he asks.<br />
<br />
"Sore throat," croaks the orc.<br />
<br />
"And what is the treatment?"<br />
<br />
"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.<br />
<br />
"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
"To get the wire brush before the other two buggers."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-45201382908567870632018-10-29T09:12:00.000-07:002018-10-29T09:12:04.137-07:00Fairy with Christmas BluesHeard about the fairy who was allergic to Christmas<br />
<br />
She had<i> tinsel</i>itus<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-68824521713141403292018-10-10T02:16:00.000-07:002018-10-10T02:16:06.185-07:00Orc CrimeAn orc was recently trampled to death by a stampede of very large and ugly trolls.<br />
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The orc police said there wasn't much to go by as the evidence was "very thin on the ground".<br />
<br />*groan*DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-80903387201461460492018-09-30T01:39:00.001-07:002018-09-30T01:39:25.047-07:00Speaking Clock JokePaddy the orc takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,<br />
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !<br />
"How does it work?" his mate asks.<br />
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,<br />
A deep troll-voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you orc-git, its twenty to three in the morning!!<br />
<br />
Ha ha :)DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-28834671238522218982018-03-24T01:47:00.001-07:002018-03-24T01:47:24.529-07:00Orc in a RestaurantAn orc sat down at his favourite restaurant.<br />
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"What would sir like," the goblin servant asked.<br />
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The orc scanned the menu. "I have never had pelican before. I will try that. What's the price please? It doesn't say."<br />
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The goblin smiled, "The bill for pelican is huge."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-70210350985694786582018-03-15T10:01:00.000-07:002018-03-15T10:01:51.712-07:00Arthurian Jokes1. Who built the Round Table?<br />
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Sir Cumference<br />
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2. Which knight got around the most<br />
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Sir Culation (groan at that one!)<br />
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3. Which Knight had the strangest accent?<br />
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Sir CumflexDavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-5491717307160224222018-02-28T01:29:00.002-08:002018-02-28T01:29:42.339-08:00Orc Taking Holy OrdersAn orc wanted to become a shaman so he went to the local monastery and talked to the head shaman.<br />
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The head shaman said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”<br />
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The orc agreed and after the first 3 years, the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”<br />
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“Food cold!” the orc replied.<br />
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Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said “What are your two words?”<br />
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“Robe dirty!” the orc exclaimed.<br />
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Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”<br />
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“I quit!” said the orc.<br />
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“Well,” the head shaman replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-42255042457035760032018-02-27T00:10:00.005-08:002018-02-27T00:10:59.958-08:00Orc Detective JokeThe famous Orc detective Sherl-Orc Holmes had his door painted yellow.<br />
<br />
"Why," I hear you ask.<br />
<br />
Because it was Lemon Entry :)DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-39393347472851815032018-02-23T05:37:00.000-08:002018-02-23T05:37:22.811-08:00Weasily the Best Joke YetA weasel goes into a bar<br />
<br />
"Wow, a weasel," says the bartender. "I have never had a weasel in here before. What would you like?"<br />
<br />
"Pop," goes the weasel. (Sorry - no orc jokes today :( )DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-34760958632021784112017-12-30T08:13:00.001-08:002017-12-30T08:13:11.586-08:00Spring Troll Joke. Rather dreadful this one :)Mid-winter and a troll goes to see an Orc witch-doctor.<br />
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"Not feeling well," grumbled the troll, holding his stomach in obvious pain.<br />
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"What did you last eat?" enquires the witch-doctor, looking serious.<br />
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"Onions," said the troll, looking miserable. He held out one of the offending onions in his hand, which, thoughtfully, he had brought with him.<br />
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"That's not an onion. It is a tulip!" announced the Orc, shaking his head. "Never mind. A few weeks in hospital and you'll be out in the spring."<br />
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Groan.DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-3580318037048553952017-12-29T06:18:00.000-08:002017-12-29T06:18:05.248-08:00Sneezy Orc Joke<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">An Orc was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead female Orc sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the female Orc said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">T</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">hey enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.<br />After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.<br />The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The Orc was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!<br />'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect female Orc. Are you this nice to every Orc you meet?'<br />'No,' she replies ....<br />You just happened to catch my eye..</span>DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-51031334093913714552017-12-16T01:38:00.000-08:002017-12-16T08:23:52.533-08:00Ghostly Christmas Tail (pardon the pun) :)Every night a young dragon goes to the local pub and starts bothering the landlord for food. The landlord is forever shooing the dragon out until one night he looses his temper and chases it out, slamming the door as the dragon flees. There on the floor, to his shock, is the dragon's tail. He hears a screech of brakes, a yelp and then silence.<br />
<br />
Opening the door he realises the dragon has been run over as it escaped his pub. Slightly remorseful the landlord picks up the tail and puts it on the bar counter where it remains to this day.<br />
<br />
The dragon's ghost rises to the Pearly Gates where St Peter stops him. The dragon says, "Let me into heaven, please."<br />
<br />
St Peter shakes his head and says, "I cannot let you into heaven. You have no tail."<br />
<br />
The dragon is very sad and goes back to earth and sits outside the pub and screeches in a very ghostly fashion.<br />
<br />
The landlord, fresh from sleep and disturbed by the racket goes to the window to see what is going on. A shiver runs down his spine when he sees the ghostly apparition.<br />
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"What do you want," he yells down fearfully.<br />
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"I need my tail so I can go to heaven," shouts back the dragon.<br />
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"Read the sign," shouts down the landlord. "I am not allowed to retail spirits after hours."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-15179627485008621772017-11-25T04:02:00.002-08:002017-11-25T04:02:31.722-08:00A Confused Orc Child at an Elf SchoolTyrone, an Orc child on his 1st day in the first grade comes home crying. <div>
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<div>
When his Orc mother asks why he says, "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the elf boys boys could say them and I could only get to e, why is that?" </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mom says "That's because you are an Orc and they are Elves." </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asks. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Tyrone said "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the Elf boys did, but I could only get to 10. Why is that?" </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Mom says, "Because you are an Orc and they are Elves." </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Well, we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that because I'm an Orc and they are Elves?" </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Mama says, "No Tyrone, it's because you are 17 and they are 6."</div>
DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-13036570365027440892017-10-28T09:27:00.002-07:002017-10-28T09:27:55.954-07:00Orc, Troll and an Elf Joke.Three guys (an Orc, a Troll and an Elf) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home. (These might have even been the same creatures from the desert island in an earlier joke)<br />
Something (probably a small dragon) punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.<br />
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.<br />
The Orc threw away rice which was for his lunch and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."<br />
The Troll threw away beans which he was keeping to make a beanstalk and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."<br />
The Elf threw over the Orc.<br />
The Troll was like, "What did you do that for?"<br />
The Elf said, "We have a lot of these in my country."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-78314453073299397182017-10-28T09:22:00.001-07:002017-10-28T09:22:45.942-07:00A Blind Orc JokeA blind orc enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.<div>
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<div>
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind orc yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” </div>
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<div>
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
In a husky, deep voice, the person next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a troll and blonde, the bouncer is a troll and blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde troll. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is a blonde dragon. The woman to your right is a blonde goblin, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” </div>
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<br /></div>
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The blind orc says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”</div>
DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-15103419604995527672017-10-28T09:15:00.004-07:002017-10-28T09:15:51.768-07:00An Orc, Troll and an Elf on a Desert Island. A Recipe for Disaster.A female elf, a troll and an orc are stuck on an island. Normally mortal enemies these three have actually become friends, having been shipwrecked now for many years.<div>
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One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." </div>
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<br /></div>
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The elf says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF and off she goes! The elf gets her wish and she is returned to her family. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Then, the troll says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my wife, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The troll gets his wish and he is returned to his family. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The orc starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My friend, what's the matter?" </div>
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<br /></div>
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The orc whimpers, "I am lonely. I wish my friends were still here." And that is why elves, trolls and orcs have remained enemies ever since.</div>
</div>
DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-37444408971640958362017-10-09T01:17:00.000-07:002017-10-09T01:17:05.959-07:00Elf and Santa JokeOne particular Christmas Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but for some reason he was feeling very stressful.<div>
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Several elves were off sick, and their replacements did not produce the toys as fast so Santa was worried that he would not have enough toys that year. </div>
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Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. </div>
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When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. </div>
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More stress. </div>
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Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and some toys broke. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. </div>
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When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had hidden the bottle. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" </div>
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<br /></div>
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Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.</div>
DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-15589135390840192952017-09-25T01:35:00.001-07:002017-09-25T01:35:40.326-07:00Another Orc Cannibal JokeTwo orc cannibals were tucking into a meal.<br />
<br />
"There is something off about this Catholic missionary," said the first orc.<br />
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"I think I know why," said the second one. "I don't think he was a missionary and I don't think we should have boiled him."<br />
<br />
"Why is that?" said the first orc.<br />
<br />
"I think this one was a friar."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-16482328571118581712017-09-18T02:44:00.002-07:002017-09-18T02:44:34.590-07:00Pirate JokeA pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks shocked. "Bluebeard! Not seen you for ages. You look like you've been in the wars. That wooden leg is new."<br />
"I'm fine. Me leg blown off by a cannon ball, but I'm OK now."<br />
"The hook. What happened to your hand?"<br />
"Lost it in a sword fight, but I'm fine now."<br />
"The eye patch. What happened to your eye?"<br />
"I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."<br />"And you lost your eye because of that? That's harsh."<br />
"No. It was my first day with a hook."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3077976020639002826.post-10251691749061730462017-07-01T06:45:00.002-07:002017-07-01T06:45:52.281-07:00Two Cannibal OrcsFather and son cannibal orcs are walking through a lush forest. Ahead, in a clearing, standing thigh deep in a clear, blue pond was an orc maiden, washing her hair.<br />
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"Wow, dad," said the son. "Let's take her home and eat her."<br />
<br />
"No, son," says the more experienced father, eyeing the young maiden's luscious curves. "Let's take her home and eat your mother."DavidjBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02749495407528515513noreply@blogger.com0