Monday, 29 October 2018

Three Orc Soldiers in Hospital

Three orcs soldiers are standing by their hospital beds as the general orc inspects them.

"What's your problem?" asks the orc general of the first orc.

"Gonorrhea," says the orc.

"And what is the treatment?"

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition?" asked the general.

"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."

The general moves to the next soldier. "What's your problem?" he asks.

"Syphilis," says the orc.

"And what is the treatment?" asks the general.

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.

"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."

"Well done. Proud of you," says the general and he moves to the last soldier.

"What's your problem?" he asks.

"Sore throat," croaks the orc.

"And what is the treatment?"

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.

"To get the wire brush before the other two buggers."

Fairy with Christmas Blues

Heard about the fairy who was allergic to Christmas

She had tinselitus



Wednesday, 10 October 2018

Orc Crime

An orc was recently trampled to death by a stampede of very large and ugly trolls.

The orc police said there wasn't much to go by as the evidence was "very thin on the ground".

*groan*

Sunday, 30 September 2018

Speaking Clock Joke

Paddy the orc takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !
"How does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,
A deep troll-voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you orc-git, its twenty to three in the morning!!

Ha ha :)

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Orc in a Restaurant

An orc sat down at his favourite restaurant.

"What would sir like," the goblin servant asked.

The orc scanned the menu. "I have never had pelican before. I will try that. What's the price please? It doesn't say."

The goblin smiled, "The bill for pelican is huge."

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Arthurian Jokes

1. Who built the Round Table?

    Sir Cumference

2. Which knight got around the most

    Sir Culation (groan at that one!)

3. Which Knight had the strangest accent?

    Sir Cumflex

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Orc Taking Holy Orders

An orc wanted to become a shaman so he went to the local monastery and talked to the head shaman.

The head shaman said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The orc agreed and after the first 3 years, the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the orc replied.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the orc exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the orc.

“Well,” the head shaman replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Orc Detective Joke

The famous Orc detective Sherl-Orc Holmes had his door painted yellow.

"Why," I hear you ask.

Because it was Lemon Entry :)

Friday, 23 February 2018

Weasily the Best Joke Yet

A weasel goes into a bar

"Wow, a weasel," says the bartender. "I have never had a weasel in here before. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel. (Sorry - no orc jokes today :( )

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Spring Troll Joke. Rather dreadful this one :)

Mid-winter and a troll goes to see an Orc witch-doctor.

"Not feeling well," grumbled the troll, holding his stomach in obvious pain.

"What did you last eat?" enquires the witch-doctor, looking serious.

"Onions," said the troll, looking miserable. He held out one of the offending onions in his hand, which, thoughtfully, he had brought with him.

"That's not an onion. It is a tulip!" announced the Orc, shaking his head. "Never mind. A few weeks in hospital and you'll be out in the spring."

Groan.