Saturday, 30 December 2017

Spring Troll Joke. Rather dreadful this one :)

Mid-winter and a troll goes to see an Orc witch-doctor.

"Not feeling well," grumbled the troll, holding his stomach in obvious pain.

"What did you last eat?" enquires the witch-doctor, looking serious.

"Onions," said the troll, looking miserable. He held out one of the offending onions in his hand, which, thoughtfully, he had brought with him.

"That's not an onion. It is a tulip!" announced the Orc, shaking his head. "Never mind. A few weeks in hospital and you'll be out in the spring."


Friday, 29 December 2017

Sneezy Orc Joke

An Orc was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead female Orc sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the female Orc said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The Orc was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect female Orc. Are you this nice to every Orc you meet?'
'No,' she replies ....
You just happened to catch my eye..

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Ghostly Christmas Tail (pardon the pun) :)

Every night a young dragon goes to the local pub and starts bothering the landlord for food. The landlord is forever shooing the dragon out until one night he looses his temper and chases it out, slamming the door as the dragon flees. There on the floor, to his shock, is the dragon's tail. He hears a screech of brakes, a yelp and then silence.

Opening the door he realises the dragon has been run over as it escaped his pub. Slightly remorseful the landlord picks up the tail and puts it on the bar counter where it remains to this day.

The dragon's ghost rises to the Pearly Gates where St Peter stops him. The dragon says, "Let me into heaven, please."

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I cannot let you into heaven. You have no tail."

The dragon is very sad and goes back to earth and sits outside the pub and screeches in a very ghostly fashion.

The landlord, fresh from sleep and disturbed by the racket goes to the window to see what is going on. A shiver runs down his spine when he sees the ghostly apparition.

"What do you want," he yells down fearfully.

"I need my tail so I can go to heaven," shouts back the dragon.

"Read the sign," shouts down the landlord. "I am not allowed to retail spirits after hours."

Saturday, 25 November 2017

A Confused Orc Child at an Elf School

Tyrone, an Orc child on his 1st day in the first grade comes home crying. 

When his Orc mother asks why he says, "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the elf boys boys could say them and I could only get to e, why is that?" 

Mom says "That's because you are an Orc and they are Elves." 

Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asks. 

Tyrone said "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the Elf boys did, but I could only get to 10. Why is that?" 

Mom says, "Because you are an Orc and they are Elves." 

Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama.

"Well, we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that because I'm an Orc and they are Elves?" 

Mama says, "No Tyrone, it's because you are 17 and they are 6."

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Orc, Troll and an Elf Joke.

Three guys (an Orc, a Troll and an Elf) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home. (These might have even been the same creatures from the desert island in an earlier joke)
Something (probably a small dragon) punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Orc threw away rice which was for his lunch and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Troll threw away beans which he was keeping to make a beanstalk and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Elf threw over the Orc.
The Troll was like, "What did you do that for?"
The Elf said, "We have a lot of these in my country."

A Blind Orc Joke

A blind orc enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind orc yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. 

In a husky, deep voice, the person next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a troll and blonde, the bouncer is a troll and blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde troll. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is a blonde dragon. The woman to your right is a blonde goblin, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” 

The blind orc says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

An Orc, Troll and an Elf on a Desert Island. A Recipe for Disaster.

A female elf, a troll and an orc are stuck on an island. Normally mortal enemies these three have actually become friends, having been shipwrecked now for many years.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." 

The elf says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF and off she goes! The elf gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

Then, the troll says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my wife, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The troll gets his wish and he is returned to his family. 

The orc starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My friend, what's the matter?" 

The orc whimpers, "I am lonely. I wish my friends were still here." And that is why elves, trolls and orcs have remained enemies ever since.

Monday, 9 October 2017

Elf and Santa Joke

One particular Christmas Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but for some reason he was feeling very stressful.

Several elves were off sick, and their replacements did not produce the toys as fast so Santa was worried that he would not have enough toys that year. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. 

More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and some toys broke. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had hidden the bottle. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Monday, 25 September 2017

Another Orc Cannibal Joke

Two orc cannibals were tucking into a meal.

"There is something off about this Catholic missionary," said the first orc.

"I think I know why," said the second one. "I don't think he was a missionary and I don't think we should have boiled him."

"Why is that?" said the first orc.

"I think this one was a friar."

Monday, 18 September 2017

Pirate Joke

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks shocked. "Bluebeard! Not seen you for ages. You look like you've been in the wars. That wooden leg is new."
"I'm fine. Me leg blown off by a cannon ball, but I'm OK now."
"The hook. What happened to your hand?"
"Lost it in a sword fight, but I'm fine now."
"The eye patch. What happened to your eye?"
"I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."
"And you lost your eye because of that? That's harsh."
"No. It was my first day with a hook."