Sunday 16 October 2022

 Two Orcs stagger to a bar and sit on adjacent chairs. The barman is busy polishing glasses and overhears their conversation.

One Orc turns to the other and says, "Hi fellow Orc, where are you from?"

The other Orc turns glassy eyes to his fellow and says "Mordor."

"Wow," replies the first Orc. "That's a coincidence. I'm from Mordor too." He looks perplexed and asks, "What year were you born?" His words slurred from drink.

"1970," replied the other Orc.

"Wow, me too. My mother's name was Marga."

"Mine too," the other Orc replied in astonishment.

The barman shook his head and sighs. A waitress asks him what is wrong.

"It's going to be a long night," he replies, "The Marga twins are back and drunk again."

Tuesday 13 September 2022

Stupid Trolls!

 Two trolls are laying a new floor, hammering nails into wooden planks.

One troll keeps looking at nails and throwing them away, muttering "another one, upside down", each time.

The other troll stops what he is doing and asks, "Why are you throwing nails away?"

"There are a lot that are upside down!" His friend declared.

"You daft twit. Don't throw them away. Save them for the ceiling." 

Thursday 8 September 2022

I Am Not Happy

 I found a bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

"Thank you for freeing me," he said. "I grant you one wish"

"Make me happy", I said.

I now work with six dwarves down a mine! Not exactly what I had in mind.

Saturday 12 February 2022

 A troll stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."

The troll washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the troll  tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. The troll  asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The troll is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The troll says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The troll  sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

Sunday 4 October 2020

Dumb Orc Joke.

 An Orc, a Troll, and a Dwarf all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The Troll goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The Dwarf goes next and makes it to the seventh step before he laughs.

Finally, it’s the Orc's turn. He gets all the way to the 99th step before he laughs. 

God asks, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and he responds, “I just got the first joke!”

Monday 29 October 2018

Three Orc Soldiers in Hospital

Three orcs soldiers are standing by their hospital beds as the general orc inspects them.

"What's your problem?" asks the orc general of the first orc.

"Gonorrhea," says the orc.

"And what is the treatment?"

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition?" asked the general.

"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."

The general moves to the next soldier. "What's your problem?" he asks.

"Syphilis," says the orc.

"And what is the treatment?" asks the general.

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.

"To get back to the forest and fight elves, general."

"Well done. Proud of you," says the general and he moves to the last soldier.

"What's your problem?" he asks.

"Sore throat," croaks the orc.

"And what is the treatment?"

"Wire brush twice a day," replies the soldier.

"And what is your ambition, son?" asked the general.

"To get the wire brush before the other two buggers."

Fairy with Christmas Blues

Heard about the fairy who was allergic to Christmas

She had tinselitus

Wednesday 10 October 2018

Orc Crime

An orc was recently trampled to death by a stampede of very large and ugly trolls.

The orc police said there wasn't much to go by as the evidence was "very thin on the ground".


Sunday 30 September 2018

Speaking Clock Joke

Paddy the orc takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !
"How does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,
A deep troll-voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you orc-git, its twenty to three in the morning!!

Ha ha :)

Saturday 24 March 2018

Orc in a Restaurant

An orc sat down at his favourite restaurant.

"What would sir like," the goblin servant asked.

The orc scanned the menu. "I have never had pelican before. I will try that. What's the price please? It doesn't say."

The goblin smiled, "The bill for pelican is huge."