Saturday, 24 March 2018

Orc in a Restaurant

An orc sat down at his favourite restaurant.

"What would sir like," the goblin servant asked.

The orc scanned the menu. "I have never had pelican before. I will try that. What's the price please? It doesn't say."

The goblin smiled, "The bill for pelican is huge."

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Arthurian Jokes

1. Who built the Round Table?

    Sir Cumference

2. Which knight got around the most

    Sir Culation (groan at that one!)

3. Which Knight had the strangest accent?

    Sir Cumflex

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Orc Taking Holy Orders

An orc wanted to become a shaman so he went to the local monastery and talked to the head shaman.

The head shaman said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The orc agreed and after the first 3 years, the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the orc replied.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the orc exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the orc.

“Well,” the head shaman replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Orc Detective Joke

The famous Orc detective Sherl-Orc Holmes had his door painted yellow.

"Why," I hear you ask.

Because it was Lemon Entry :)

Friday, 23 February 2018

Weasily the Best Joke Yet

A weasel goes into a bar

"Wow, a weasel," says the bartender. "I have never had a weasel in here before. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel. (Sorry - no orc jokes today :( )

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Spring Troll Joke. Rather dreadful this one :)

Mid-winter and a troll goes to see an Orc witch-doctor.

"Not feeling well," grumbled the troll, holding his stomach in obvious pain.

"What did you last eat?" enquires the witch-doctor, looking serious.

"Onions," said the troll, looking miserable. He held out one of the offending onions in his hand, which, thoughtfully, he had brought with him.

"That's not an onion. It is a tulip!" announced the Orc, shaking his head. "Never mind. A few weeks in hospital and you'll be out in the spring."


Friday, 29 December 2017

Sneezy Orc Joke

An Orc was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead female Orc sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the female Orc said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The Orc was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect female Orc. Are you this nice to every Orc you meet?'
'No,' she replies ....
You just happened to catch my eye..

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Ghostly Christmas Tail (pardon the pun) :)

Every night a young dragon goes to the local pub and starts bothering the landlord for food. The landlord is forever shooing the dragon out until one night he looses his temper and chases it out, slamming the door as the dragon flees. There on the floor, to his shock, is the dragon's tail. He hears a screech of brakes, a yelp and then silence.

Opening the door he realises the dragon has been run over as it escaped his pub. Slightly remorseful the landlord picks up the tail and puts it on the bar counter where it remains to this day.

The dragon's ghost rises to the Pearly Gates where St Peter stops him. The dragon says, "Let me into heaven, please."

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I cannot let you into heaven. You have no tail."

The dragon is very sad and goes back to earth and sits outside the pub and screeches in a very ghostly fashion.

The landlord, fresh from sleep and disturbed by the racket goes to the window to see what is going on. A shiver runs down his spine when he sees the ghostly apparition.

"What do you want," he yells down fearfully.

"I need my tail so I can go to heaven," shouts back the dragon.

"Read the sign," shouts down the landlord. "I am not allowed to retail spirits after hours."

Saturday, 25 November 2017

A Confused Orc Child at an Elf School

Tyrone, an Orc child on his 1st day in the first grade comes home crying. 

When his Orc mother asks why he says, "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the elf boys boys could say them and I could only get to e, why is that?" 

Mom says "That's because you are an Orc and they are Elves." 

Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today, Tyrone?" his mother asks. 

Tyrone said "Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the Elf boys did, but I could only get to 10. Why is that?" 

Mom says, "Because you are an Orc and they are Elves." 

Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama.

"Well, we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that because I'm an Orc and they are Elves?" 

Mama says, "No Tyrone, it's because you are 17 and they are 6."

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Orc, Troll and an Elf Joke.

Three guys (an Orc, a Troll and an Elf) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home. (These might have even been the same creatures from the desert island in an earlier joke)
Something (probably a small dragon) punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Orc threw away rice which was for his lunch and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Troll threw away beans which he was keeping to make a beanstalk and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Elf threw over the Orc.
The Troll was like, "What did you do that for?"
The Elf said, "We have a lot of these in my country."