Wednesday, 10 October 2018

Orc Crime

An orc was recently trampled to death by a stampede of very large and ugly trolls.

The orc police said there wasn't much to go by as the evidence was "very thin on the ground".

*groan*

Sunday, 30 September 2018

Speaking Clock Joke

Paddy the orc takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !
"How does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,
A deep troll-voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you orc-git, its twenty to three in the morning!!

Ha ha :)

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Orc in a Restaurant

An orc sat down at his favourite restaurant.

"What would sir like," the goblin servant asked.

The orc scanned the menu. "I have never had pelican before. I will try that. What's the price please? It doesn't say."

The goblin smiled, "The bill for pelican is huge."

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Arthurian Jokes

1. Who built the Round Table?

    Sir Cumference

2. Which knight got around the most

    Sir Culation (groan at that one!)

3. Which Knight had the strangest accent?

    Sir Cumflex

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Orc Taking Holy Orders

An orc wanted to become a shaman so he went to the local monastery and talked to the head shaman.

The head shaman said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The orc agreed and after the first 3 years, the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the orc replied.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the orc exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head shaman came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the orc.

“Well,” the head shaman replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Orc Detective Joke

The famous Orc detective Sherl-Orc Holmes had his door painted yellow.

"Why," I hear you ask.

Because it was Lemon Entry :)

Friday, 23 February 2018

Weasily the Best Joke Yet

A weasel goes into a bar

"Wow, a weasel," says the bartender. "I have never had a weasel in here before. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel. (Sorry - no orc jokes today :( )

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Spring Troll Joke. Rather dreadful this one :)

Mid-winter and a troll goes to see an Orc witch-doctor.

"Not feeling well," grumbled the troll, holding his stomach in obvious pain.

"What did you last eat?" enquires the witch-doctor, looking serious.

"Onions," said the troll, looking miserable. He held out one of the offending onions in his hand, which, thoughtfully, he had brought with him.

"That's not an onion. It is a tulip!" announced the Orc, shaking his head. "Never mind. A few weeks in hospital and you'll be out in the spring."

Groan.

Friday, 29 December 2017

Sneezy Orc Joke

An Orc was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead female Orc sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the female Orc said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The Orc was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect female Orc. Are you this nice to every Orc you meet?'
'No,' she replies ....
You just happened to catch my eye..

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Ghostly Christmas Tail (pardon the pun) :)

Every night a young dragon goes to the local pub and starts bothering the landlord for food. The landlord is forever shooing the dragon out until one night he looses his temper and chases it out, slamming the door as the dragon flees. There on the floor, to his shock, is the dragon's tail. He hears a screech of brakes, a yelp and then silence.

Opening the door he realises the dragon has been run over as it escaped his pub. Slightly remorseful the landlord picks up the tail and puts it on the bar counter where it remains to this day.

The dragon's ghost rises to the Pearly Gates where St Peter stops him. The dragon says, "Let me into heaven, please."

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I cannot let you into heaven. You have no tail."

The dragon is very sad and goes back to earth and sits outside the pub and screeches in a very ghostly fashion.

The landlord, fresh from sleep and disturbed by the racket goes to the window to see what is going on. A shiver runs down his spine when he sees the ghostly apparition.

"What do you want," he yells down fearfully.

"I need my tail so I can go to heaven," shouts back the dragon.

"Read the sign," shouts down the landlord. "I am not allowed to retail spirits after hours."