Thursday, 17 December 2015

Orc Children Growing Up: Little Darlings

Two orc children ages 4 and 6 decide it's time to grow up.
   "We should start swearing now, we are old enough," says the 6 year old.
   "OK, bruv," replies the smaller orc.
   At breakfast mummy orc says, "What would you like to eat."
   Without hesitation the 6 year old says, "I'll have squashed toad on toast, bitch!"
   Furiously mummy orc backhands him, sending him flying.
   "And what would you like?" she asks turning to the younger orc.
   "I don't know but it won't be the f***ing squashed toad on toast."


Thursday, 10 December 2015

Adult Santa Joke

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

(Ooops, sorry for the non-PC all you Santas.)

Drunk Orc

An Orc is stopped for speeding and the cop asks him to get out of the car.

"You're staggering," the cop warned.

To which the Orc replied, "You are quite handsome yourself."

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Orc and Chicken Joke

Two orcs chatting while one does the crossword. (You didn't know that orcs did crosswords, did you)

"I'm stuck on 3 down, he says. Flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)."

The other Orc thinks about it, "You're so thick, that's an easy one. Frozen Chicken."

(Author's note - this may be a UK only joke if you don't have an Iceland)

Monday, 21 September 2015

Hill Troll and Elf Joke

Two trolls walk into a tavern and order grog.
Suddenly, an elf lady at a nearby table, who is eating cheese, begins to cough. (probably shock at seeing the trolls)
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the trolls looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' (this is how hill trolls speak, of course)
The elf shakes her head no.

The troll asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The elf begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The troll walks over to the elf and much to her shock, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The elf is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the troll walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Orc Joke

Have you heard about the Orc comedian, covered in oil?

He was slick but crude.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Another Death Joke

Two chaps show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second person tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first chap.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, In my remorse I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Hilarious - Borderline Fantasy so Forgive me.

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

Courtesy of