Sunday, 18 December 2016

An Orc Scientist

An Orc scientist (yes there are such creatures) was experimenting on a frog.

He told the frog to jump and it jumped 4 feet. Being a clever Orc he realised that because the frog had four feet then it had jumped four feet.

He decided to cut off a leg (he kept it for soup for later of course) and told the frog to jump and this time it jumped three feet. "Clever," thought the Orc, realising that he was on to something.

He cut off another leg and the frog jumped two feet and then he cut off the final leg. He was thinking of winning a No-bull prize with his outstanding work.

"Jump," he commanded, but nothing happened. "Jump!" he insisted but again nothing happened.

He frowned as he wrote in his log-book, "Cutting all the legs off a frog makes it deaf."

Orc Rules on Choosig a Wife

There are 5 Orc rules for finding the perfect wife:

1. Find a wife who can cook
2. Find a wife who can satisfy you on the bedroom
3. Find a wife who can clean
4. Find a wife who can sing you to sleep
5. Final rule -- never let the 4 wives meet. This rule is very important

Thursday, 8 December 2016

An Elf, a Dwarf and a Human Go in to a Bar...

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,

The Human grins and says "Damn, but I had fun last night. My wife and I made love seven times... When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds "Well, I only made love
four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new experience.. When we awoke this morning, she said she would surprise me again tonight.."

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable amount of time being stared at by the other two, he finally says "Fine, fine.. My wife made love only once last night."

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks "Pray, tell us what she said to you this morning.."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says "She said.. Please, Honey, don't stop now..."

Enter the competition below and have a chance of winning a copy of Legacy of the Eldric, Book 1 of the Prophecy of the Kings

Orc Christmas Presents

An orc mother watched her two excited children opening their presents.

Both looked crestfallen. One had a package of broken glass and the other a bag of plasters.

"Now share nicely children," she beamed.

Santa Joke

Sitting on Santa's knee he asked me what I wanted this year.

"I really like Game of Thrones so what I want this year is a dragon." 

Santa looked me in the eye and said, "Dragons are a myth. Don't be ridiculous."

I thought for a moment then said, "OK. Can I have a girlfriend that I can really understand and relate to, please."

Santa frowned, "What colour dragon do you want?"

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Win a Book -- Fantasy Jokes Competition

Post a fantasy joke, via the comment box in this blog, and I'll give away a copy of Legacy of the Eldric to the best joke (in my opinion) received before the 17th December 2016.

Jokes are easy to make up. Simply replace Troll for Elephant in an Elephant joke, as an example.

This is just for fun and I think some of the jokes already published have hopefully raised a smile.

So get cracking and you could win a copy of Legacy of the Eldric in time for Christmas. Postage allowing of course.

Sample chapters and reviews for Legacy of the Eldric and my other books are available on my website

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Cross-Eyed Orc Joke

A troll bumps into a cross-eyed orc and the orc shouts, "look where you are going."

The troll shouts angrily back, "And you need to go where you are looking."