Thursday, 23 August 2012

Not fantasy jokes this time!

Although not fantasy jokes, I liked some of these. They are from teh Edinburgh fringe

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to
back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than
your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't
know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only
because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not
rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for
pessimism. she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Another Genie Joke

Three men, an English man, an American and a French man, when one of them discovers a bottle. He rubs it and out pops a very grateful genie who grants them a wish each.

The American goes first. "I love my country and want to help the world. I wish America could produce enough grain to feed everyone."

"A good and noble wish," says the genie as he grants it.

The French man is next, "I too love my country but we have been invaded too often. I want to protect my country. Build a wall around it."

The genie says, "Good wish," and grants it.

Finally, the English man. "Tell me a bit more about this wall around France."

"It's thirty feet high and fifteen feet thick," says the genie. "It is continuous without a single gap."

"Great," says the English man. "Fill it with water."

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Genie joke

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich in tow. The waitress wanders over and with a twinkle asks what they would like to which the man replies, "A beefburger, chips, and a coke." He turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

Wow, thinks the waitress, a talking ostrich as she departs to get the order. A short time later the waitress returns with the food and drinks.

"That will be £8.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change much to her surprise as he doesn't seem to look.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A pizza and a coke."

Immediately the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. Not a penny more, not a penny less.

A day later and the two are back.

"What would you like?" the waitress asks.

"I'm feeling hungry today, so I will have a steak, baked potato says the man

"The same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £28.90."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress is amazed and can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"Wow! That is amazing." says the waitress... "You could buy anything you wanted."

"That's right. Whether it's a house or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What intrigues me most is the talking ostrich. What's the story there?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a long-legged chick who agrees with everything I say."

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Another Fairy Joke

An elf walks into a bar and asks the orc bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The orc considers it, then agrees. The elf reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny fairy. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The fairy stretches, cracks her knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the elf finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The elf reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing the blues along with the fairy's music.

While the elf is enjoying his beverages, an ogre confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the elf replies, "he's not for sale." The ogre increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The ogre again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The elf finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the ogre in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the elf answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the fairy is a ventriloquist."         

Friday, 1 June 2012

Orc Joke - I particularly like this one :)

A giant Orc was walking through the forest when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The Orc roared, 'Who is the king of the forest?', and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Great One.' The troll walked off pleased.

Soon he came across a mule drinking at a lake. The Orc roared, 'Who is the king of the forest?' and the mule replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The Orc walked off pleased.

Then he came across a Troll. 'Who is the king of the forest?' he roared. With that, the Troll threw the Orc across a tree and jumped on him. The Orc scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Fairy joke

A married couple both 62 were out celebrating their 35th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a
little fairy appeared at their table."For being an exemplary
married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish".

"Oh I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife. The fairy waved her wand and two tickets for a cruise on
the QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"This is all very romantic but an opportunity like this may never
appear again. I,m sorry my love but my wish is for a wife 30 years

The wife and fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish....... The fairy waved her wand and "poof!" - the husband
became 92 years old. Morale of the story: Men who are ungrateful
b***ds (people) should remember that fairies are female.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Genie joke (More for the Adults)

A fellow walks into his favorite local bar and finds one of the most interesting things he's ever seen. There's a stranger sitting at the bar, which is not in itself unusual, but beside his mug of beer there's a very small piano, a bench, and a very small man (about a foot high) seated at the piano playing beautiful classical music.

'That's amazing!' says the fellow to the stranger.

'Isn't it?' the stranger replies with a slightly jaundiced eye.

'Yeah...I mean, that's really the most amazing thing ever! Where'dja get it?'

The stranger heaves a weary sigh. Obviously he has explained this before. 'I was out back in the alley behind the bar, and I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie granted me one wish. Well...this is what I got!'

'Really?' says the fellow. 'That's real interesting. Ummm...what did you do with the lamp?'

'Threw it back down in the alley. I was only allowed this one wish.'

'That's fascinating. Errrr...well, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll see if I can find it!'

'Figured you would.' 

So the fellow goes into the alley behind the bar. He looks around for the lamp amid the trash and refuse, and eventually finds it. He rubs it and, sure enough, a genie comes out.

'You may have one wish, and one wish only,' intones the genie.

Well, the fellow has always wanted to be rich. After all, if he had enough money he could make a LOT of wishes come true. 'Okay,' he says. 'I want a million bucks!'

'Your wish is granted,' says the genie, and then disappears.

Suddenly, the sky is darkened by a million quacking waterfowl. Shaking his head ruefully, the fellow realizes that the genie has misheard him, but there's nothing to do about it now. He goes back into the bar--the stranger with the amazing foot-high musician is still there. 

'Well...did you find the lamp?'

'Uh huh.'

'Did you meet the genie?'


'Did he grant you a wish?'

'He did...but I think I should tell you, your darn genie's a little hard of hearing!'

The stranger shakes his head again. 'You think I don't KNOW that? You think I actually requested a twelve-inch pianist?'

(Archer Marks)

Dragon Joke

There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you. 
The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal." 
The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?" 
The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us." The dragon agreed to the deal. 
So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it. 
The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also. 
The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green." 
The three guys lived happily ever after! 

(L Webber Grey)

Tax Collector Joke

The Royal Tax Collector decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the castle.

Grandpa is well connected, so the Royal Tax Collector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up along with his Baron.

The Tax Collector look down his nose at Grandpa and said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Collector finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The Tax Collector thinks for a moment. "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand golds that I can bite my own eye."

The Tax Collector thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The Tax Collector's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand golds that I can bite my other eye." Now the Tax Collector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned Tax Collector now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand golds, with Grandpa's Baron as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that chamber pot on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The Tax Collector, twice burned, is cautious now. "Without moving the pot or the desk?" When Grandpa nods, the Tax Collectordecides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the chamberpot on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Collector's desk.

The Tax Collector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's Baron moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the Tax Collector asks.

"Not really," says the Baron. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand golds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." (Lee)

Fantasy Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.  (C Wright)

Barbarian Joke

The spirit of a barbarian warrior appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 
`Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the warrior offered. 
'On a trip to the Black Hills out near the Desolation, I came upon a band of orcs 
who were threatening a young woman. 
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed orc and smacked him in his face, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. 
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the snot out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.' (lee)

More troll jokes - Warning, these are bad

Q: How do you shoot a blue troll?
A: With a blue troll gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red troll?
A: No, not with a red troll gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue troll gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green troll?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue troll gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow troll?
A: Ever seen a yellow troll?!!!
Q: Why are trolls wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Monday, 7 May 2012

Troll jokes :)

Q: What do you call a troll with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call a troll wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
Q: What do you call a field full of trolls?
A: A thicket.
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: A troll rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q. What's got an IQ of 15
A. 16 trolls
Q. Why 16?
A. Well there's bound to be one thick one.